my intentions

I have created this page to share what it is like to live with a mental disorder. I intend for this blog to show the vulnerable side of myself, and may be used for those who are just interested, those who need help, or anyone at all. Remember, mental disorders are not a joke, and you are never alone. I will be posting an entry weekly (or try to). Enjoy xx

background

My name is Emma Green, I am 18 years old, living a normal life. I love to travel, spend time with my friends and family, and spending time outside. But, there was a time in my life where doing all these things wasn't so simple. For a large part of my life I silently struggled from anorexia nervosa, a deadly eating disorder that took over my mind, body, and life. It took me to the point of no return. In the winter of my 8th grade year, the eating disorder started to take its toll more than ever. I was in and out of the ER in my hometown in West Virginia. I had a shockingly low heart rate of 40. We were told that I was on the risk of heart and kidney failure, as well as having brittle bones and small veins. The doctors told my parents that if I kept living the same way I wouldn't survive much longer, and at any moment I was running the risk of going into cardiac arrest. I felt tired all of the time, and I had no emotions or feelings, passing out a lot, and feeling sick most days. I was barely surviving, and wasn't living the life i deserved to life. Yet, I couldn't let go of what made me miserable, because it also made me powerful. I had control over my life, and was able to focus on something other than reality. I knew what the doctors said was true, and none of it was appealing, but I couldn't let go. So, on December 16, 2016, I was immediately admitted to Veritas Collaborative in Durham, NC, which is a specialty hospital designed to treat adolescents with eating disorders. This was the worst day of my life, and I remember it so vividly. But, it was also one of the best days, My life was forever changed, and I cant believe how unexplainably thankful I am for that. Yes, the five months that I was there were the five hardest months of my life. I experienced things that I never imagined, facing my fear everyday, and having to give up my eating disorder. But, coming out of this experience, I am changed. I can finally see life for how it is intended to be seen. I enjoy my days, and can finally live in the moment, instead of focusing of food all of the time. I will admit, I still have bad days where my eating disorder tries to creep back into my life, but they aren't nearly as bad as they used to be. And thankfully now, I am stronger than ever, helping me fight off the voices in my head. I hope that the posts i write on this blog, help show the severity of the illness, that I do believe is minimized most of the time. I hope to also create support to those who need it, as well as awareness for the subject. If any of you ever need it, feel free to reach out to me, and I will be there for you, no matter what is happening. Struggling alone is scary, and I know the feeling. I am happy to say that I have felt supported through my entire journey. So thank you all. I look forward to sharing more and more on this subject as well as my daily thoughts and challenges

veritas

One of the most common questions I received, whether it was on the flip phone I got to use 30 minutes a day or in the letters and mail I received during the time I was at the hospital was, "what is it like there?". Honestly this simple question was one of the most complex to answer. Every day was different, and no matter what way I phrased it, the whole situation sounded like hell. To put it together, the hospital was completely miserable. Yes, every day it got a little better, and a bit more comfortable, but no matter how hard you try it is impossible to lose the thoughts about being home in your own house with your family and friends. Like I have mentioned before, I was admitted there on Friday, December 16, 2016. Only around 12 hours before we began our drive to Durham, was I told that I was being shipped off. I remember being signed out of school, which wasn't abnormal because for that whole month I was in and out of the hospital. I wasn't allowed to dance, or even really leave my house. When i wasn't in a doctor's office, I was under critical watch at home. But after my appointment on that Thursday, my mom came into my room and told me to pack my bags. I was extremely confused. She then explained to me that the doctors had sent my information to three hospitals, one in Colorado, one in Arizona, and the one in North Carolina. Because it was so urgent, we had to go to the one that accepted me first, which was Veritas in Durham. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to my friends, and spent the rest of that day in distraught. I recall thinking that i only had to be there until after Christmas, but as soon as I arrived, I was estimated at least 5 months. This news broke me apart. Having to leave my friends, family, dogs, school, dance, phone, and basically my freedom behind for five months was a nightmare. The day that I was admitted was the hardest day of my life. Getting into the car at 7am, and saying goodbye to my house, dogs, and dad before the dreaded car ride was awful. The five hours it took to get there felt like the longest of my life, and once we got there I felt sick to my stomach. They took my mom and I into a room, and after doing a couple pages of paper work, they allowed us 3 minutes together until they took me into the hospital. I remember standing in that cold room, crying in my moms arms, until a nurse came in to take me away. They brought me into a room with machines and hospital beds, made me get into a gown, and weighed me. Then they began to run tests and take my blood. I was so terrified and cried for them to bring me my mom, but they told me it wasn't allowed. After that, I passed out 3 times, and began throwing up. They told me they couldn't keep running tests, so they sent me up to my room, which was a small room with two twin beds (I had a roommate), two desks, and two dressers for our clothes. This is where I was brought my lunch. I felt pressured to finish it, but still did not. They handed me a boost in order to supplement for it, and i drank that, but threw up again. A couple nurses and TAs, which were therapeutic assistants (you will hear a lot about them) came into my room to go over rules and help get me situated. They looked through all of my clothes and belongings, which most of it was sent home anyways due to strict rules, and I was very overwhelmed. There were so many rules and my head was spinning. I met the other patients later that night. There were about twelve girls that were my age, and they were all super welcoming and kind. They informed me the first day was always the worst. They were very right. That night was pizza night, since every Friday was. This was a challenging and stressful meal for everyone. I didn't complete it, and was offered another supplement, which I didn't complete as well. We had phone time afterwards and I used the phone provided to us to call my two closest friends back home. I cried and cried, and continued to all the way until bed. That day was full of tears and trauma, yet the journey had only begun. The days did slowly become easier, yet they were never easy enough. Through the next few posts i will share my full experience at Veritas, and give some insight to how the whole process worked.

thanksgiving

Holidays are an extremely difficult time for those who are struggling with an eating disorder. Thanksgiving is a holiday practically centered around food, and many of the popular foods shared on this day are "fear foods" for an eating disorder. This means they aren't "safe" for the person and will make them feel guilty or anxious. Usually the whole day is spent preparing food, eating the food, and discussing the food, followed by just sitting around on the couch. All of this is very challenging. Last year's Thanksgiving, was only a couple weeks before I went to Veritas, but at this point my parents weren't aware of my struggle. We had gone to NYC for Thanksgiving, and what should've been a fun experience, turned into a traumatizing one. We had reservations for a nice restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner. When we arrived, i began to feel really anxious, but didn't say much, and just sat there trying to drink a sprite my parents insisted on me ordering. i was extremely quiet, more than usual, and my parents could tell something was wrong but i pushed it aside when they asked. Just a few moments later i began to have an anxiety attack in the middle of the restaurant. I kept crying and crying and couldn't breathe or talk and I was shaking. My parents had no clue what was going on, and I told them it was happening because I missed being home on Thanksgiving which was a lie. Eventually I calmed down, and we got seated at our table to order. I didn't want to eat anything but I tried to, making me feel even more guilty and awful. This Thanksgiving was a whole lot different. Going into it, i was a tad anxious just because i didn't know exactly what the outcome would be of the dinner, but I reassured myself that it was only one meal and talked to some friends that helped as well. Whenever we sat down to eat, I was finally able to enjoy the meal prepared that actually included some of my favorite foods that my eating disorder liked to take away. After we were finished eating, some guilty thoughts were there but I distracted myself by washing dishes and spending time with my family. Knowing that i had supportive family all around me was super helpful when trying to get through a challenging meal so please always be available and supportive for anyone you know going through a challenge as well. The holiday season of Thanksgiving-Christmas is an extremely difficult time, so being sensitive in what you say and do is very important. 

flashbacks

November and December this year have all been very nostalgic. Thinking about where i was this time last year and what my life was like, is such a strange feeling. I can vividly recall exact moments of my life that were happening, down to what i was wearing. November of 2016 was the month that my eating disorder became obvious to my peers, teachers, dance coaches, and my parents. The time between the beginning of November to December 16, the day i was admitted to veritas, was full of miserable memories that are all so vivid. Doing some of the same things this year that i was doing at this time last year feels very weird because i remember what my mind was thinking about when i was doing them last year, and i recall how i felt with myself. It is so nice to be able to compare where i was then to where i am now because this year i can actually enjoy all of these situations, different from last year when i was worried about calories and food. Especially doing activities involving Christmas this year have become more emotional for my family. It is difficult to think that last year Christmas was spent in a hospital and a lot of annual actives leading up to it for our family, i wasn't a part of, but at the same time it makes us super thankful for everything because this year i am able to enjoy the holidays, healthfully. Although last year was no where near how we wanted to spend the holidays, without it I may not be here right now or for anymore future Christmas' to come. it honestly makes us appreciate it a little more. But like i said, it is very weird to have these feelings of memories that are flooding back to me all throughput these past couple months. It is like a vivid dream that is stuck in my mind and is constantly reminding me of my past. I feel like this is how it will be for the next months to come since this is the time last year when my life began to spiral out of control, and flip upside down. 

one year anivesary

one year ago today, my life was forever changed. December 16, 2016 was the day I was admitted to Veritas Collaborative in Durham, NC. After many doctors visits and trips in and out of the hospital, it was decided that my case was to severe to be treated in my hometown. 'I was immediately admitted to Veritas, after being accepted. The doctors at home expressed that if i stayed the way i was much longer, i would be dead. My heart rate was so low it was barely functioning, and i had many other scary symptoms to go along with this as well. One year ago today i was waking up and driving hundreds of miles to reach a destination i knew little about. I was terrified and obviously distraught about leaving everything and everyone i called home for an unknown amount of time. This year has been a whirlwind of emotions and situations i never believed i would ever be in. What i have experienced and gone through have made me stronger and more open to different people and mindsets. i have grown and learned from everything that has happened, and although it was miserable i will forever be grateful for it because without the hospital, i may not be here right now. Throughout this year i have had many challenges, that i cant deny. sometimes i believe that i try and hide how i feel or put on a brave face to make people believe i am okay all of the time. In reality, I still slip up, I still think negatively about myself sometimes, and I still struggle with urges. I now have thoughts that challenge the eating disorder though and know how to shut the voices out. I have knowledge about nutrition and my body and know that food is fuel and i need it to do the things i enjoy, everyday. To look back on everything that has happened and think about where i was on this time last year, completely blows my mind. Recovery is possible and with help from others, it is right around the corner. 

2017

2017 was a whirlwind, as you all know by now. The year has concluded and we have finally turned the page into 2018. 2017 changed many things in my life, including myself. I believe that the experiences i had and some of the things i witnessed, made me mature and grow. I feel comfortable saying that 2017 was the year that i grew the most and discovered the most about myself, since I had a lot of time and opportunity to look into myself and figure things out. On January 1, 2017, i was sitting in a hospital not even giving attention to the fact that a new year had started, since all the days felt the same. The only "goal" or "resolution" i had for the new year was to get out of Veritas, i didn't really have time to think about much else. Ever since i did achieve that goal, i have accomplished many others. Staying recovered and working hard on my health is a major accomplishment, and a still ongoing goal of mine. Throughout the time i've been home, it hasn't always been easy but I have been motivated and have a changed mindset, allowing me to push through and be stronger than i ever imagined. For the upcoming year of 2018, i am still putting my health and recovery as a major goal of mine, being healthy and being able to do what i love is so rewarding and there is no feeling that compares to that. I also wish to work on finding contentment within myself, and being able to have more confidence, which i believe every one needs. My eating disorder liked to make me feel as if i was worthless. Currently, i still think this way sometimes, not believing that i am pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, etc. This year i am striving to be able to lock these voices out and find happiness within myself, knowing that i am me and that is good enough. 

update

i know i haven't posted in a while but that is because i have been very busy with dance, school, friends, and families, which has actually been a nice distraction away from my thoughts about my body. honestly, things for the most part, have gotten better. i have found people in my life that make me feel better about myself, and for moments in time i am completely happy. but, this doesn't take away from the moments where i am at my low. it is very hard to completely disconnect from my mind, where the negative thoughts about my body can begin to overtake me. i still catch myself having terrible body image and low self confidence, to the point where i don't want to leave my house, or look in the mirror. following my meal plan is a hard task, but i am learning to push myself to do everything i need to keep myself healthy, and in the long run, happy. whenever i see myself and begin to think negatively, i know that my body is just a place for my mind. it is a house for all my thoughts, that are intriguing and important. it is where i can express myself and make changes. the body is just a structure that helps you live your life, and if you don't fuel it properly, you will be unable to prosper. my body helps me dance, which is something i love to do, and everyone has something that theirs helps them with too. it bothers me hearing others talk down on themselves about their size or body type, because in all honesty, it is one of the least important things in life. no one is less valuable or important no matter what their body looks like, and nobody should appreciate someone because of their body type, including you to yourself. the most important thing about your body, is keeping it healthy so it is able to support you in everything you do, every day. without food your body begins to shut down, and although the popular opinion is that you don't need to eat as much if you don't burn off the calories, that is very untrue. even when you are barely doing anything, you still need the proper amount of nutrition so your body can grow and give energy to you all day. another thing that is forgotten most of the time is the fact that what you eat id distributed among your organs to help keep you alive and healthy. you need the food to help your heart beat and for your brain to comprehend and focus. these are just a few things i remember and remind myself when i am having doubts about my body and self image, which can be very hard to see positively.
​

meal plan

many people don't know the exact treatment for an eating disorder. a lot of people believe that just eating food is the way to handle the sensitive situation of living with a mental illness that compels you to be afraid to eat. yes, eating food is a min component of helping yourself, but it isn't all of the treatment. when i arrived home, it was mandatory that i attended weekly dietician and therapy appointments, as well as meeting with a doctor consecutively to make sure my health status was where it needed to be. the way you are treated when you come home is unique to everyones situation, though, but this is mine. while at veritas, i was given a specific meal plan that accommodated my nutritional needs, it ebbed and flowed while i was there, raising when i needed more nutrition, and lowering when my body started to do what it needed to. when i came home, my meal plan was adjusted to my activity level, since i was moving around a lot more than i had been while i was away. i was eating much more than kids around me, my age and my weight. it was very frustrating because i didn't want to eat it at all, plus the fact that those around me didn't eat that amount, was bothersome to me. now that i have been home for almost a year now, i still have to eat the same amount, which is way beyond what people my age chose regularly to eat, but i do understand now that because of what my body went through, it will always have higher nutritional needs than other people's. also, with the amount of dance i do, i need more food to keep me active and to build muscle. it is extremely hard, still, to stay on track with all my food because it still makes me stressed and anxious when i have to eat a lot more than people who do more or the same amount of activity as me, but i do know that i am perfectly healthy, and am also stronger than i have ever been before. food is just fuel for your body to do what you love, no matter what that is

update

for the past couple of weeks, things have been up and down in my recovery. people say that recovery is hard, and that is truly an understatement. recently i have lost a substantial amount of weight, concerning my team and my parents. we have had to make adjustments to my meal plan and my lifestyle, which has been hard for me to accept, considering things in my life revolving around my eating disorder felt like they were beginning to actually dissipate, and i was beginning to feel normal day to day. the new changes with my body, amount of food, and control that my parents have had on my life have been hard to comprehend and reintroduce into my lifestyle, but to be completely honest they have opened my eyes in a way. ever since ive been having to eat more i have begun being able to do what i want in my life, i have been able to participate in normalized activities without worry about my nutritional needs being met. ive felt stronger in dance and my energy levels have been higher, making it easier to keep up in sports and activities. ive really come to realize that your body is just a place that houses everything that makes you, you. your body doesnt define you in any way, and i shouldnt worry about what it looks like, because as long as im healthy i can focus on things that truly make me happy, because my eating disorder in no way whatsoever makes me happy. ive heard the statement, "your worst days in recovery are still better than your best days in your illness", and i have grown to believe in this statement so much. even when i thought i was doing my "best", when i was so consumed in my eating disorder, i was still sick, i was still living in a haze that over took every part of my life. in recovery, there have been more hard days than i can count, but every one of them i have pushed through, and been able to over come the obstacles that ive encountered. even on my worst days now, im still able to see past the moments and know that although facing food may be hard, it is so worth it to be able to chose a life i want to live, to eventually never have to worry about a number on a scale or a number of calories. recovery is so worth it, although its difficult, and im finally slowly learning and accepting that. 

the media

in my opinion, social media has become such a negative place for body image. now a days there are so many "standards" for how people should look. these bodies that seem to be idolized, are unrealistic, yet are being fantasized by many people unhealthfully. when you go onto social media, people are being looked at all the time, and those that are "famous" are famous for being "attractive", this makes others believe that the only way they are attractive is if they look like these people. when in reality, these body types are unhealthy, and the ways that you obtain them are unhealthy as well. people are constantly being compared to one another, which can can create obsessions with people feeling the need to fit a certain image to feel accepted in society. for someone who has been struggling with body image for a long time now, i can honestly say that instagram and other social medias can have such a great impact on generating self confidence issues, and negative thoughts towards ones self. society creates such a idolization towards bodies, and making it seem like if you arent a certain size then you need to change, and that being "attractive" means being "skinny" or "fit". ive had to accept so many changes in my body and these standards have not made it any easier for me. there is so much emphasis into bodies, considering there is even a whole industry based around the visual appeal of people, where people literally ruin their bodies to fit an image that others look up to. yet in reality, these people are sick and ruining their bodies. people are just obsessed with sickness until they really know the deficit of it all. audiences watch people around them become so sick silently  yet only focus on the amount of weight being loss, wishing they could look like they do, not realizing how much damage is actually being done. being able to look past all of this is tremendously hard, knowing the day and age we live in. sometimes it feels as if eating disorders are portrayed as diet plans or lifestyle choices, but they are illnesses people deal with, that can kill. as i have gone through everything, i have begun to realize that a body is like you machine in a way, it is the engine that keeps you going. in order to live every single day, you need to fuel the engine and make sure it is running properly. one meal or one food is not going to make you "fat" or change you in any way. they way that your body looks and is made, is not something that defines you, and truly anyone important in your life is not going to base your worth off of something as shallow as that. the minute you start accepting yourself and knowing that what is important in life, then you will be able to focus on more substantial things, and to let go and be free. your body needs food for energy, for your organs, to help you concentrate, to regulate your mood, to make you energized, and there is never anything wrong for giving your body what it needs, even if people do not seem to want to think this is the case.

keeping up

i have not updated this blog in a long while. my main explanation  besides being busy with school, dance, and just life in general would be that my eating disorder has been so quiet, it has not crossed my mind to update the blog. for the past 3 months, my eating disorder has almost been completely non existent, and it has been the absolute best feeling. there have been multiple times where i have thought that everything was completely fine and that my eating disorder had dissipated, but even throughout those times, i still had low moments or days where things seemed to become too hard to deal with. i had days where i just wanted to completely give up on the whole recovery process. complete satisfaction with myself seemed so far out of reach, but i still never fully gave up. i began to focus my attention more on the positive aspects in life, and remembered the way i felt when i was truly happy and nourished. i thought about how much more i enjoyed life when i was healthy, how i could pay attention more and enjoy the moment instead of living in  a sort of haze, consumed by the thoughts of food constantly. once i began to truly realize the more content and happy feeling i felt in these moments, i was able to put into perspective the positive impact that feeding your body has, rather than all the negative connotations i believed in had. to say that i am happier and more content than i have ever been, would be an understatement. living my life has become so much less anxiety filled. yes, there are still some moments every now and then where i do not feel completely myself, but they are so minuscule that i know they do not have any effect on my life, because i am stronger than i ever imagined. i wish that anyone who ever has gone through a hardship or that has to fight everyday for what they deserve, is able to eventually step out of their current standpoint, and finally are able to experience the life they should be. i can confidently say that no matter how hard anything ever seems, there is always a reason to fight for your life and your happiness. i hope everyone in the world, at one point, is able to say that they are happy with themselves and their place in life. the truth is, you can never be fully content in your life until you are content with yourself,because the way you treat yourself or think about yourself will carry out into how you interact with others or your moods and emotions throughout the day. as hard as it seems sometimes, it is always worth it to be more positive and kind because everybody could benefit from that

fear foods

one of the things i believe people that have not gone through a mental illness, particularly an eating disorder, have trouble understanding fully is the exact thoughts the other person is experiencing. obviously, i can not specify exact thoughts or generalize ones for the whole eating disorder "community", since everybody's thoughts and experiences are unique. but, i do want to shed some light onto the matter of "fear foods" and the feeling of being scared of eating food and nourishing your body. if i had to describe an eating disorder in words to explain it all to someone, i would say that it is a voice in your head constantly, sometimes loud and sometimes soft but always there, that tells you if you do certain things, then you will be stronger or more powerful than other people around you. it is always a game of comparison. for instance, if you do not eat for x amount of time, then you are stronger than the other people around you because you are living without eating, something others do not do. also, comparing the amount you eat to the amount somebody else eats is a dangerous game as well, because the only way to win is by eating less. fear foods are a big aspect of an eating disorder, especially a restrictive kind. eating in general, is a scary thing to do, but there are usually specific foods that trigger the anxiety and fear, for different reasons. fear foods can be any kind of food, and are different and more versatile for every person. fear foods are foods that are even more avoided than any other foods. usually, fear foods are "unhealthy", which is very scary for most people. personally, my fear foods included steak, hot dogs, milkshakes and some other foods. these are still things, that when brought up or are prepared to eat, there is still a ping of anxiety before and guilt after, but i am now able to eat them, which used to be nearly impossible. the fear is stemmed from the beliefe that these foods will make you fat, that one specific food , one time, will change the way you look and feel. eating fear foods especially can drastically change self image and increase body dysmorphia in a person, which can be a very intense experience. being okay with eating is a long process that takes patience and determination, so incoperating fear foods is a hard task, but a very important one. slowly, you have to re introduce yourself to food and feelings you had deprived yourself from, and realize that not one singular food or meal is going to change your body. food will never have a negative impact on you, it will always transform into fuel your body needs and will give you strength and energy 

to everyone reading

in life, you're going to go through so many hard circumstances. some of them may be easier to overcome than others, while some may feel like the end of the world. no matter how difficult these obstacles seem, you are going to be able to push through. every experience you are faced with, is placed in front of you for a reason. during the difficult time, it is going to seem to last forever; it may feel like you will never move past that spot. but, once you do work through the rough patch, life will become clearer, more worth while. each of these difficult times will teach you something; something about yourself, the world around you, and something about the people who are in your life. although these times may call for support from others, in the end, you are the only person who can control your emotions and mental state. you are the only person who can dictate how different circumstances will affect you. this is something that i have learned throughout the past years dealing with my eating disorder, depression, and anxiety. i have attempted to layer my problems onto other people in my life, hoping they will take some of the blow for me. undoubtedly, these people have helped me through some of the toughest times of my life. but, in hindsight, i was the only one able to control my movement through recovery, and i owe it to myself that i worked through that. having a support system is an extremely important thing, for when the hard times do occur; however, you are stronger than you may think, and have the ability to help yourself move through these times. during the worst part of my eating disorder, i was hesitant to believe i needed help. i was extremely stubborn in my recovery, and refused to even help myself. eventually, as time progressed, something clicked inside of me that i was worth every aspect of becoming healthy again. i decided i was going to fight for my life back, and that is what i did and continue to do, everyday. the reason that i am speaking on this, is that i believe people are raised to be dependent on those around them, in a way; especially younger girls. i feel it is human nature to get stuck in a defeated mindset when things in our life arent going according to plan. but, as soon as you realize how beneficial it is for yourself and others to pick yourself up and move on, your world will completely change. this is something i have taken into all the aspects of my life. although there are still bad days, i am so much farther along mentally, that i am able to push through. this is something i hope everyone develops one day, and if anyone ever needs help through whatever they are going through, i will always be here. 

mental health awareness month

 As the month of May comes to an end, we reflect on the fact that May is mental health awareness month. with the severity of mental health issues impacting people all over, every single day should be mental health day. with that being said, the whole month of May is a time to clearly emphasize the impact mental health issues is having on society, and what we can do to help resolve this epidemic. i personally believe that every person struggles with mental battles, to different extents. it has become evident that almost every human has felt insecure in their own body or mind at one time or another; and, it has almost become normalized for people to be uncomfortable in their own bodies. the amount of emphasis put on the outward appearance of a person, in today's society is ridiculous. recently, i have experienced more and more people negating the severity of eating disorders and identifying them as "diets", and not only is this extremely insensitive, but also it is alarming, considering the impact it will have on people. beginning with the impact this has on people who do not already struggle with body image problems/distorted eating, this will make an eating disorder seem like a walk in the park to them. people who believe that struggling with eating disorders is a choice, and you can begin and end the cycle whenever you chose to, are harmful to those around them. the impact they have on those that are truly struggling is also very concerning. the desensitization of the disorder makes those who are battling it, more hesitant to speak up, since they now feel as if it is a normal feeling to experience. this is truly saddening to me. nobody should ever have to lower their voice so ignorance can be heard. i believe that we all just need to be sensitive yet alert. the ability to be readily available to those that need your help is vitally important

11/7/19

people never "grow out" of mental illnesses. no matter how hard you work to beat the mentality, it never fully goes away; there are still days where the thoughts can creep back in. it is a common misconception people tend to have that if you are seemingly doing okay, you are okay. not many people consider the underlying emotions others may be having. humans naturally put on a brave face; it is a fear to burden others with your own issues. this idea is commonly shared between those who have struggled from a mental illness. everyday, is an uphill battle for us. it is never obvious to others, because this fight is internal. no matter your age, or how long you have been recovered, waking up everyday and pushing onwards is a battle; a battle for normalcy and a battle for your life. anxiety, depression, eating disorders- they never disappear; they always have the ability to creep back in, at any given time. getting out of bed, moving on with our days, experiencing social interactions are all challenges. "normal" experiences to most, are terrifying challenges to some. the most unexpected situations can be the most anxiety riveting; we become sensitive, or shut down, wanting to hide forever. the fight to continue onwards, to interact with people and seem completely calm day-to-day is a fight, that some may never expect. eating is another battle, fought by the bravest warriors. breakfast, lunch, dinner, and any snacks inbetween are accompanied by some of the most anxiety riveting and degrading thoughts, for those who have struggled (or are struggling) with an eating disorder. even though it may not show, we are consistently coaching ourselves through meals, to finish; following with counter thoughts of guilt and anxiety, we have to single handedly fight off. eating is a terrifying thing, yet is a necessary part of life; being able to eat is a "normalicy" in society, so the pressure of achieving this feat unproblematically, is something we feel. those who wake up and fight these battles are some of the strongest people, yet you may never know these are happening. we tend to internalize these struggles, yet on the inside they are incredibly loud. all i am asking, is for kindness and understanding. please make sure your friends and loved ones are always alright, even the bravest ones. you truthfully never know what someone could be dealing with. treat others with respect and understanding they may be more sensitive than you, be patient. these battles take time. everyday having to fight, can be discouraging, but i am here to tell you to continue pushing on. i still fight, days are still struggles for me; i still have times where i want to back out, where all of this seems completely pointless, but i know i can not give up. this life is worth fighting for, and i want every one of you to remember that. fight, everyday; if you need a shoulder to lean on, embrace that, it is okay. take care of yourself, you are all warriors. 

check on your friends

always check on your friends. check on the ones who are quiet, check on the ones who are outgoing. check on the ones that always seem to have it all put together, check on the ones who keep it messy. check on the ones who don't go out much, or the ones who do. check on every single person in your life, and most importantly check on the ones who continuously say they're "okay". often times I believe we find ourselves to be too gullible. this meaning, we take what other people say to be true without even giving a second thought. the natural response to somebody asking 'how are you doing?' is always 'I'm good/okay'. this is almost embedded into our brains as a robotic response to keep things short and sweet, we never want to bombard the millions of overwhelming issues we seem to be dealing with day to day. the people in our lives are constantly dealing with things, just like you or I, no matter if they admit it or not; with that being said, we need to not be so easily convinced the mask they wear is completely how they feel inside. it is human nature to never want to burden anyone else, but we almost naturally can take the load off someone else's shoulders. I believe this stigma needs to change. we need to feel okay with telling someone what is wrong, and we need to feel okay to ask someone genuinely how they are doing. too many people suffer silently with the fear of burdening someone else, but needing help is perfectly okay, so we need to encourage this. 

self quarantining

as the world has come to a standstill due to the corona virus infecting the population, many areas throughout the nation have been called to a state quarantine. for anybody, this is an extremely difficult time of social isolation and boredom- but for those with a mental illness, a time like this is especially hard. for somebody suffering with depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, or another mental illness, this period of social isolation may feel crippling to them. for those of us who suffer with these issues lack the ability of socializing and distractions to help us keep our mind away from the negative thoughts that continue to swarm our heads everyday. being forced to sit alone with your thoughts day in and day out can be debilitating. social interactions and human contact, for some, can be the leading motive throughout their day. without the ability to have either of these things, a mind can wonder to a dark place. social isolation can cross a thin line f self isolation of any contact to others whatsoever. days on end of being quarantined to a house, can take a toll on your mental state, regressing your thoughts to a place of needing to be alone, not reaching out to friends, or feeling as if your issues and thoughts are burdens on someone else. the feeling that being alone can create for those that have a dependency on socialization to help cope with mental illnesses, can be detrimental to their mood, thoughts, and lifestyle. social isolation for those can be powerful enough to regress them back into old habits or thoughts. as for those with an eating disorder, social isolation and the inability to leave the house is an extreme trigger. not being able to leave the house or get physical activity can be a direct reason your eating disorder will try and sneak back in. during a time where majority of your days is spent sitting down around the house, your eating disorder can become louder and louder, saying there is "no need for food, if you are not doing anything". this is highly untrue. I know how hard it is to fuel your body properly when the eating disorder stigma is that there is no need for an adequate amount of calories if you aren't doing anything active (or that you don't need the same amount of food on days you aren't being active than the days that you are). I know that it is hard to be bombarded in a household that is stock piled with food, especially food that is more than likely a "fear food" for some. I know all of this is hard and many more aspects, as well; but, this is no excuse to let your eating disorder over power you and regress all the hard work you have put in to make yourself healthier every single day. although it is hard to remind yourself that food is fuel, and it is only beneficial, I want everyone to remember these things: food is a necessary part of life, no matter if you are "active" a certain day or not. food is vital to help your organs work, your heart to pump, your brain to become awake and activated. food is the energy that is needed every single day to perform life functions necessary for surviving. you do need the same amount of food on these days where it may feel like you aren't doing anything, because your body needs to remember how to metabolize it on the days you may feel like you are doing more. every bite that you take is important to your well being. do not look back now, you have come too far and worked too hard for the life you have to let a time like this push you back. I remind every one of you to check up o your friends, family and yourself during thistle because you never know how this can be affecting them mentally. I advise all of you to stay healthy and nourish your body the way it needs to be nourished; listen to what it is saying. stay safe and believe in yourself- you are a warrior, you got this. 

labels

in today's society I believe that the 'labels' of mental illnesses are used too commonly as interchangeable adjectives to describe common emotions. in conversation , each day, you may hear someone jokingly use the phrase "I am going to kill myself" when something goes array in their life. for those who have experienced suicidal thoughts and feelings, this is extremely belittling. the usage of these sort of phrases and labels is extremely degrading to those who deal with these illnesses. using "depression" as a synonym to being sad in short term situations, or using "anxiety" to express you are feeling nervous about a certain scenario, lessens the actuality of these diseases, and promotes them as an emotion rather than a disease. using these labels as everyday feelings creates a connotation that these feelings do not matter and should not be taken as seriously as needed. by promoting these feelings as so, we are creating a society immune to these issues, making those who truly deal with them feel less welcomed to voice they have them, since it seems as if everyone has them. (I am not trying to discredit any person who does deal with these issues in any way shape or form, I just want to bring awareness to the overuse and belittling nature we have brought to these words). I believe that with more awareness and information in the world, we can diminish the use of these words in the wrong way. instead of saying "I'm depressed" when feeling sadness, we can chose to say "I am upset right now because...." or when feeling nervous, choosing to express nerves rather than anxiety. I wish for everyone to be aware of when you say things and how you say them, you truly never know who they can affect another person.

"healthy"

In society, there is a certain stigma around the word "healthy", and what it insinuates. Most commonly, being "fit" or "skinny" is equivalent to being "healthy"-which in reality being healthy is subjective; not one lifestyle, food choice, body type, or mentality equals being healthy. health is much more than how a person looks, and its infuriating seeing society mutate the connotation of the word to influence certain lifestyles and body types. health includes not only physical health, but mental health as well. someone who is seemingly "healthy" based on their body type or the way they look could be struggling mentally to obtain that look, they could be mentally deteriorating in hope to fit the "healthy" stereotype. we, as a society, needs to become more self aware of commenting on weight, on loss or gaining of weight, and adding in the fact that people "look so good" when they've lost absurd amounts of weight. something I experienced when I was my most unhealthy, was those around me telling me I looked so good, or that they were envious of my body, or how they were jealous of how much control I had around food. when in reality, I was the most unhealthy I had been in my entire life. these types of comments can be the exact words that feed a mental monster who is the mastermind behind the immense weight loss. eating healthy, working out everyday, dieting, etc are not the things that create health, although that is how the media claims it to be. each person is different, and I believe that when you feel happy, confident, and stable, that is when you are "healthy". recently, I have completely stopped working out, and when people hear that decision, they may immediately think that is "unhealthy", although they don't know the affects  working out had on me. before, working out was an obsession, it took over my life and gave my eating disorder a disguised outlet. even though I was being "healthy" by working out, I was not actually healthy- on the inside and out. the reason I am saying this is to prove that a healthy lifestyle means something different to each person, and we should never assume someone's health on how they look or what size clothes they fit into. health is how you feel, and this has taken me years to realize. I hope all of those reading this understands its okay to eat the cookie, to take the rest day, to eat the salad- or not eat the salad. all is okay, and none will ruin your health

the reality of living with an ed 

hello! even though this blog is about mental illnesses, especially eating disorders, I do not believe I have ever truthfully talked about the realities of living with one from the perspective of someone who has gone through one. yes, I have explained certain scenarios or truths of the reality when struggling with one, but this entry I really want to relay the things those who never may have to struggle with this illness, may never realize come along with it all. I am going to put a TRIGGER WARNING before I begin, because the things discussed in this passage could potentially trigger someone reading, and that would be something I would never want to happen. on social media, there is a lot of glamorization when it comes t eating disorders, depression, anxiety, etc. personally, I have dealt with all of the above, and can become offended when seeing different things out there that degrade the struggles of those who fight these battles everyday. I want to put an end to the stigma around these illnesses, because it is extremely harmful to those who actually deal with them. creating a downplayed stigma to these issues invalidates the feelings and struggles of those who go through these things; the misleading information makes those who are struggling afraid to come out about these issues, in fear of not being taken seriously. going through an eating disorder is not glamorous, not even in the slightest. everyday, you are afraid to do the thing that keeps you alive, you are afraid to nourish your body the way that it needs to be nourished. your brain is consumed with thoughts about calories, nutrition labels, when your next meal will be, how you can burn the calories off, and how you look. the more you being to not eat, the more of an affect it takes on your body. you begin to have weaker bones, brittle hair and nails, dry and flaky skin, your skin begins to pale, your constantly cold, but sweaty at the same time because your body cannot regulate temperature, your hair falls out, but you also begin to grow access hair on your body to maintain heat. your organs begin to suffer, in order to survive your body begins to, in essence, eat itself. your brain suffers life long damage, your memory is fogged and lost, your kidney, liver, and heart fail, and you are on the brink of going into cardiac arrest at any moment. you can run the risk of becoming infertile, and not being able to have kids. you abuse laxatives, and your throat is burnt from the acidity of making yourself throw up regularly. you cannot sleep because your stomach is in so much pain from being starved. you cannot focus in school, because your brain's entire focus is on food, if you are going to have a next meal or not. your heart beat slows down, and you cannot do many actives without fainting. and the worst of all, your family worries, your friends worry, all of those around you worry. those around you are scared if you will be alive through the next day,  if you will be physically strong enough to make it through school, or if you will finish your meal. as scary as it is for you, it is scary for them too. with all of this being said, having an eating disorder is one of the least glamorous things you can go through. in treatment, although I have heard it be called a "vacation", "nice get away", or "resort", there is nothing glamorous either. you are forced to face your fears, you are in pain from having to expand your stomach, after it has shrunk; if you don't comply, you go through the pain of being fed through a tube, you can feel ashamed, alone and scared. all of this is nothing that anyone would ask upon themselves or anyone else. these are all just some of the things that people deal with when dealing an eating disorder, but there areas many more, day in and day out. if you read this, I would like you to consider these realities before glamorizing and worshiping the "control" of those who deal with this illness, because I promise you none of us would wish any of this upon you. these affects are permanent, and although you can recover mentally, this illness is with you always as well, continuously trying to creep back in. mental illnesses are not a choice, or a cop out, or a diet plan, and should always and forever be taken seriously. 

eating disorder recovery

although I have talked about different aspects of living with an eating disorder and experiencing different things while dealing with one, I feel as if I haven't shed enough light on the truths of recovering from one, and what the reality of that process is. as many of you know, I was admitted into a hospital in December 2016 in durham to receive specialty care to recover from my eating disorder, which, this recovery process is common for some of those dealing with mental illnesses. but, that does not mean that this option is easy. when you go through an eating disorder and you do not give your body the amount of nutrients it needs, your stomach shrinks, therefore whenever you do begin refeeding, you go through tremendous pain and sickness and it is miserable. in recovery, you are typically given a meal plan set up by a dietician to ensure you stay on track everyday with eating as much as you should, but your body is not used to this amount of food, since it has been deprived for so long. you begin experiencing constant cramping and stomach aches, nausea, becoming sick after meals, and many more ill affects by doing the one thing you need to be doing. another experience you may have after beginning refeeding is going into a hypermetabolic state. hyper metabolism is a body's reaction, and can occur after not eating for a very long time and reintroducing that to yourself. with hyper metabolism, your body can burn up to 200% of what is it taking in, even by you sitting down constantly. if you experience this in recovery, it is extremely frustrating because all of your hard work can feel worthless, since you won't be seeing any results from it. also, you will most likely have to add more to your meal plan, which can become scary and cause for a longer recovery process. if you have experienced an eating disorder, and become recovered from it, all of your life thereafter you will have a metabolism that is 2-3x faster than the average person your height, weight, etc.- this can be extremely frustrating when going through recovery and sometimes hard to understand. if you are admitted to a hospital, you are surrounded by patients who are going through the same experience as you ( having to stay on a meal plan) and you are virtually sheltered from the real world. when you go home, you are accompanied back into real life, where everyone eats different amounts and does physical activity or no physical activity and you are exposed to "diet culture" and people around you who may cut out meals or snacks or even food groups. this is why having the faster metabolism can become frustrating, because you are seeing those around you not have to eat as much as you, but still be healthy, and it can be hard to have to remind yourself you need more, without feeling singled out or different. that is another thing about recovery, during and after it is easy to feel as If you are an outsider or to be embarrassed of what you are going through. you look different, need different things, and may even act different than before, and this can be hard for those around you to get used to sometime. you may feel like everyone is judging you for all these aspects, and that can make recovery harder as well.but,  one misconception for any sort of mental illness recovery is, "after you work through 'recovery' you are fully 'recovered'", but this is completely untrue. just because someone goes through therapy, or graduates their outpatient or impatient program and is returned home, or moves away from their meal plan does not mean they are completely "recovered". yes, returning to a healthy weight is extremely important in recovering from an eating disorder, but so is the mental aspect as well. you are not fully recovered until you've conquered the illness mentally, too. defeating the mental aspect can be even more challenging than the physical, because that is between you and your own mind. even once the body is restored, the thoughts can still be there, and I believe that is something that is not talked about enough. even if someone doesn't "look sick" doesn't mean they aren't extremely sick. recovery deals with the whole body, and be sure not to neglect that. although recovery can be difficult at times, physically and mentally, it is so worth it in the end. as someone who has come out on the other side, I want to urge you to never give up, and I hope I shared some understanding on a few realities of recovery. 

"triggering"

you may have heard of the term "triggering" before , maybe online seeing a comment that content that was posted was "triggering"- but what does that really mean? we live in a world that is majority unfiltered, especially on the internet. life comes with no warning signs, and neither do the things people say, do, or post. the unfiltered world we live in can be very hard for those living with a mental illness, or someone who is trying hard to recover from one. typically, those who have a mental illness have words, actions, or topics of conversation that can trigger them (or amplify thoughts driven by their mental illness). although we cannot be sheltered forever, and the reality of life is that we may have to come face to face with these triggering things, it does not mean society should be desensitized to the fact that these triggers do exist. some things that may trigger those of us struggling with a mental illness could be someone talking about food- how little or how much they ate a day, what kind of diet they might be on, calories in a certain food they are making or eating-, working out/how many calories they have burnt, joking about suicide and self harm, and many more. and yes, I understand some of these conversations about food are human nature, we live in a society sadly obsessed over how much other people are eating and what they are eating, but I do believe this shouldn't be the case. not only for those struggling with these illnesses can this be harmful, but it is unnecessary. I want to make aware to people just how much what they say and do can affect others. even though most of the time these phrases are harmless and unintentional, they can have a heavy impact on someone around them. it is important for both ends to be aware of the other person, we can learn to understand we may not avoid these conversation topics forever, and we can also learn to be more aware of what we talk about when it comes to these things. triggering others is a touchy subject, and I never would point blame to anyone who has talked about these things before, because I know I have found myself saying these things as well, but I hope to educate even just a few people by sharing how some certain areas of conversation can trigger others, and hope that people can be more self aware when discussing potentially harmful things.

suicide prevention month

September is suicide prevention month, and as it is coming to a close I wanted to shed a little light on this. honestly, suicide prevention should not be limited to one month, suicide prevention and awareness should be all year round. first off, I want to begin by saying suicide is the third leading cause of death in adolescence- that alone should provoke enough need for awareness and help consistently. in 2018, there was an average of 132 suicides a day, 1.4 million suicide attempts, and 48,444 deaths by suicide, and sadly the numbers have only increased since then. for me to be sitting here and writing those numbers down is a feeling I cannot convey, it is terrifying knowing I was close to becoming one of those statistics. there was a time in my life not too long ago where I was in the darkest and deepest hole I could have been in, and I truthfully never imagined coming out on the other side of it. I have been clinically diagnosed with depression but I want to shed light on the fact that not everyone has to be diagnosed or have the "symptoms" to feel depression. depression can come in many forms and can look differently for many people. society deems depression to be "laziness", "sadness", or "aggression" and they never truly discuss  high functioning depression where you may not even know the person Is struggling. depression can feel lonely as if you are trapped in your own world with absolutely no one to turn to, it can manipulate you into thinking you are a burden to all of those around you and leave you in a hole of self hatred, but it is not limited to these feelings. depression is more than sadness over a situation or being overwhelmed with work or school, although these can play into depression they are not causes. depression is not an emotional disease, but a chemical imbalance of the brain. people who struggle with depression are often time misunderstood and are expected to "snap out of it" when in reality there is a difference in their brain that makes them feel this way. depression affects the way you think, act, feel, and  your relationship with others. although depression isn't always the direct cause of suicide, it is a leading factor. it is sad to say, but too frequently does someone go unnoticed when they are struggling until it is too late. suicide is a cry for help, suicide attempts are a way for those who are severely struggling to bring to someone's attention that they need help, because they feel so small to ask for it, they don't know how. another common aspect with suicidal thoughts is self harm. self harm is an action in which you inflict hurtful behaviors onto yourself. society sadly can view self harm as "attention seeking" and ostracize those who do it, making them feel guilty. when in reality, self harm is typically an action to either punish one's self , or to help distract the emotional pain and transfer it into a physical feeling. self harm is a common behavior among those with suicidal and depressed thoughts. it is hard to feel completely alone and to feel as if your whole world is crumbling around you. I know this feeling all too well and my heart goes out to anyone else who does as well. I want anyone who has read this to know and understand to please be kind to everyone around you. always keep in mind you never truly know what someone could be dealing with at any given time. we cannot continue to allow suicide rates to go up. if you feel alone, or as if you cannot continue on know you are not alone. I have been there, and I promise you it gets better. please keep fighting, keep fighting for me, for yourself, for your family because even if you don't feel it you are so loved ad so worthy of life. if you are feeling this way, please reach out, also know there are many different resources out there for you to get better. and to all those reading this, please check on those around you, even if they may seem perfectly okay, we need to normalize mental health wellness and checks. it is truly okay not to be okay, we are all in this fight together and I believe in every single one of you. 

disassociating 

in this blog entry I want to talk about disassociating, because I believe many people may not be aware of what this is. when you have struggled with depression or anxiety, you may develop short term memory loss. I have experienced this side effect for many yeas now, and I always feel ashamed when people ask me if I can remember different events or conversations over the past few years and I have to say no, I think people may not understand I truthfully cannot help it and I don't want them to think I don't care. I have a feeling there are other people out there who may struggle with the same thing, and for that reason I want to bring awareness to something that is unintentional, yet unavoidable. when you are depressed or anxious, your brain tends to try and separate itself from the situation that is making it feel these thoughts or emotions, when it attempts to do this you begin to disassociate. you may feel disconnected from your thoughts, feelings, memories, or surroundings, you may even lose sense of your identity. disassociating can be a terrifying thing if it intensifies, you can feel completely removed from your own body and as if you are not real anymore. disassociation is more than forgetting a memory or conversation you had months back, it is an escape route your mind takes whenever it feels overwhelmed. disassociation can also have the affect of after the event, causing your mind to wander back into the feeling you had during that anxious moment. it is okay to escape during these anxiety riveting times, and we need to better understand to be more patient with those who do experience things such as disassociating. please do not be upset at them for "forgetting" or even becoming more quiet or closed off during these anxiety riveting settings, because during these times they are trying their hardest to stay focused enough to be present in the moment. social anxiety is a big player in disassociating and it can be easy to have this happen when you are overwhelmed in a social setting. i understand it is hard for some to understand the feeling of social anxiety, the feeling that you get when you walk into a room and think everyone is looking at you. but, social anxiety is a crippling feeling, it prohibits you from interacting with others or feeling comfortable enough to speak up or stand out in a crowd of people. social anxiety can become powerful enough to make you feel unwanted at an event. if you know someone with social anxiety, make them feel welcomed and make them feel heard during these social settings, because it is hard for them to feel these things on their own. you aren't alone if you experience these feelings, reach out to those you are with and let them know you are feeling this way, it is okay and you will be okay.

natural body types 

I think something that has been most difficult for me throughout my recovery is the understanding of natural body types. all of my life, I was under the impression that people who were thin or fit had to have eaten a certain way or amount or done a certain workout in order to obtain this body type, when in reality this is not the case whatsoever. yes, these factors can affect the way your body looks, but at the end of the day it comes down to genetics. a little while ago, I heard this quote, "even if we all ate the same exact thing, we would still look different" and this has resonated with me to this day. this is a complete factual statement that I believe not everyone realizes. even if every person ate the same exact way and did the same amount of physical activity, our bodies would still look different due to genetics and how we are made. you cannot change the way you are built naturally, you can enhance your muscles or gain muscle in different parts of your body, but you will never change the structure of your body. no matter how much we may dislike how we look on some days, we can never change bone structure or how our body shape looks. we can't obtain the "desired" body type naturally, unless we are born with it. but here's the thing, your body is what gives you life. your body every single day keeps you alive, it fights off diseases and gives you the energy to participate in the activities you love to do. it is hard to not get caught up in the way others look and compare ourselves to them, I completely understand that, and it can be extremely hard to understand that the way others look is natural, we all look differently from one another. but one thing I do with everyone to understand is how much we should love our bodies for what they are, they give us life. our body is the shell for all of our important organs and important life functions to help us carry out every single day. we need to stop worrying and fantasizing about a certain body type, and instead learn to love our own. it is hard to remember at times, but I urge to remind you that "death ill" or "malnourished" is not a body type- we need not to idolize those who are sickly thin, this is not only disgusting but it is extremely harmful to those people and can in turn encourage their disordered behaviors. it is hard to live in a society that emphasizes a certain body type so greatly, but I do believe that we begin to appreciate our bodies for what they do for us, and learn to reward them for giving us life, we will begin to learn to be happiest with ourselves. remember, you are never alone, but if you aren't recovering you are dying. sending love to all those who read this. 

calories 

during the depths of my eating disorder, calories were an obsession; they controlled all I did. each day, I would count the numeric value of how much food I was consuming, and in turn exert more than the value I was consuming in physical activity. i was torturing my body over numbers on a food label, which now when I truly think about it is absurd. I had been placing more value on a number, than I had on my well-being. although this is a sad reality, I know this is also a common reality for some. since we were young, we have been taught there are categories in food- "healthy" or "junk food", we have had calories plastered on the labels of food we have consumed since birth. diet culture has been embedded into our brains to the point where knowing the amount of calories in food is normalized, or avoiding certain foods is common due to their calorie count. our bodies deserve more than this, they deserve to be fed to their full extent. all food is good, and we need to take away the falsified stigma that some food should be avoided. food is fuel, and our body will metabolize "junk" food the same way it will metabolize "healthy" food. whatever you put into your mouth, will be turned into energy for your body to use and exert throughout the day. we need to reward our bodies for all they do for us, and not punish them by depriving them of correct, balanced nutrition. calories, although I know can be scary, are no more than the amount of energy a food gives to your body, and should never be something we base our food intake off of. throughout the years, I have slowly worked on normalizing eating without counting calories, and I although I still struggle at times with letting them affect me, I have made great progress and I know you can too. counting calories is harmful and can in turn be competitive, each person needs different nutritional needs and we should never limit that. remember, you are worthy of fueling your body the way it deserves to be and rewarding it for keeping you alive. if you struggle with these obsessions, try tomorrow to take baby steps in the right direction. I believe in you, and you are not alone. 

fitting a description 

in the media, there seems to be unspoken "requirements" people need to fit in order to struggle with a mental illness, especially an eating disorder. it seems to have been made that if you don't fit a stereotypical body type, then you aren't sick. as I was going through the depths of my eating disorder, I ran into this belief numerous times, mainly during my treatment. I was told by people around me I wasn't "sick enough" to receive proper help or watched those around me seeking helped get denied it because they didn't have a certain body type or weight. the reality of the illness is, although weight is a factor of someone's physical health during an eating disorder, eating disorders are not a weight disease, they are a mental disease. there is not one set of qualifications someone needs to meet in order to be struggling with an eating disorder, and sadly not everyone realizes this. people that struggle with disordered eating can embody any body type, weight, or height. a person who may be comparatively thinner that someone else does not insinuate that they are "more sick" than someone else. eating disorders do not have a set diagnosis or symptoms one person has to develop in order to achieve having one. it saddens me to know that I, and many others, have been denied help or ostracized for "not being sick enough", although we have been on our death beds. I hope to bring attention to those suffering in silence, or who may feel people around them will downplay their struggles- your thoughts and feelings are as valid as anyone else's, and I hope to those reading this you understand that anyone can struggle from these feelings, and just because a person may not "look" it, doesn't mean they aren't sick. "anorexic" or "bulimic" is not a body-type and neither is "malnourished", we cannot use these words to define a body, they are fluid pertaining to multiple different body types, and are used to define a mental state. if you are struggling, know how you feel is important and you aren't alone. you are always sick enough to get the help you need, never let anyone tell you differently. 

perfectionism

perfectionism, something that is so commonly misinterpreted. I have struggled with perfectionism since elementary school, and it is he's been crippling throughout every activity I have done. perfectionism is much more than a strive to be successful or do things correctly, it is the overwhelming feeling of never being good enough no matter how successful you may be. people who struggle with perfectionism may never feel as if they are good enough, they will continually beat themselves up over their successes, and in turn develop crippling anxiety and self doubt about their ability in certain aspects of their life. for me, school, dance, and my eating disorder all have fell victim to my perfectionist tendencies. and although some may think being a "perfectionist" in some of those things may equate to a good thing, it isn't; the fight with a perfectionist brain is a on-going battle. perfectionism is incredibly self-degrading; for instance, you can accomplish something so amazing surrounded by people congratulating you on your success, and continue to feel unaccomplished. these thoughts come from self-comparisons and the self-instilled anxiety that one will never equate to the standard we have made for ourselves. perfectionism is a struggle that those who deal with have to fight everyday. we have to continually remind ourselves we are worthy and accomplished, and actively quit comparing ourselves to others. its a difficult task everyday to ward of these self-degrading thoughts in all you do. for those of you who deal with these thoughts and feelings towards yourself, and who may continuously compare yourself to others- you are not alone. I promise you that what you're doing, is great. we all need to begin to do things for our own selves, and need to be proud of our own accomplishments, instead of forever comparing them to others. and to those who may know someone who is self-degrading, please be kind. these thoughts are torturous, and a sincere compliment here or there or genuine appraisal can amplify someone's self confidence tremendously. those of us who deal with this are not seeking attention, please remember you never know what those around you may be struggling with

thanksgiving 

the Holliday season is a hard time of year for many reasons, especially thanksgiving. thanksgiving has continuously been an anxiety and fear riveting holiday for myself for many years. a day completely devoted to food is extremely scary, and im sure many people can relate to this. thanksgiving is a celebration in which food is the main focus. all day long, food is being prepared, cooked, discussed, and eaten; and for someone struggling with an eating disorder or someone who  has a difficult relationship with food- this is absolutely terrifying. for many years now, I have honestly dreaded thanksgiving. the days leading up to the Holliday have always caused high anxiety, and the day of has naturally been a tough day altogether. its difficult to have to be around what makes you the most scared, but have to remain calm and "normal". I know that food is such an extremely scary thing for lost of people, and thanksgiving can instill distorted thoughts into our heads, but I hope to help ease the anxiety following tomorrow a little bit. 
thanksgiving is a time for us to be thankful, and we should begin that thanks with ourselves. its easy to be hard on yourself and criticize your body and pinpoint insecurities- when in reality, we should be thankful that our bodies are healthy. our bodies do so much for us each and everyday. without our bodies, we would have no ability to do the things we love to do each day; and the most important thing is to maintain a healthy body in order to continue these functions that help keep us moving and living life to the fullest. I know that majority of the food eaten at thanksgiving are common fear foods, and it is easy to want to restrict your food intake before the big meal, or want to compensate by heavily working out before or after, but, food is food. thanksgiving dinner is no different to your body than any other meal you regularly eat. food that enters your body, regardless of what kind, will metabolize the same and be used for energy to maintain these important body functions. thanksgiving food should be enjoyed and not feared, you shouldn't have to punish yourself in order to "indulge" in the meal. I know that it is extremely hard at times to remember that your body needs the nutrition and it is perfectly okay to eat dessert without feeling guilty, but please remember these things tomorrow ( and I will be trying as well). use tomorrow to enjoy being with your family or friends and for thanking your body for all it does for you. continue to be healthy. if you are in recovery: do not fall backwards tomorrow, you have come this far, you've got this. 
remember, it is more harmful to yourself to restrict your eating than to eat that extra slice of pie. we are all in this together. stay safe, and happy thanksgiving! 

the holiday season 

much like thanksgiving, Christmas and the holiday season presents a challenging time for many people. personally, Christmas has continually been a somewhat difficult holiday for me because I am reminded each year of the hard Christmas I spent while in veritas. the Christmas I spent during my recovery in the hospital was challenging for both my family and I, and it can be easy to let the holiday season be a constant reminder of that. Christmas is yet another holiday where much celebration is centered around food. this aspect of the celebration can present numerous challenges for all people. this year especially, with loved ones being separated and hard times being endured by everyone, the holiday season is even more challenging for all. I understand how hard the holiday season is and know that each person may be struggling with the upcoming days for different reasons. this Christmas, I hope to let all of you all know that it is completely okay to not be okay. this time of the year is overwhelming, and if you need time to step away from all the festivities, take it. you need to put your happiness first. remember, whenever you look back on these memories, you are going to remember the time spent with your family and friends, not the meal you ate. you need the food in which we are blessed to have for fuel throughout the holiday season; to have energy to enjoy the time with your loved ones. we are all in this together, and I know that we can get through this. if you are feeling alone or scared this holiday season, please know that everything will be okay. I know that each one of you who are reading this can get through these times, and I can too. enjoy the time spent with your loved ones, or even yourself. find joy in the small things, and try not to be so hard on yourself, this year has presented new challenges no one ever imagined we would have to face, but we have prevailed, and I am so proud of everyone. I hope that all of you have a healthy and happy holidays; if you need something, I am here to talk and guide you through. you got this. 

weight gain

for majority of my life, I have been absolutely terrified of gaining weight. I feared of stepping onto a scale and the number raising even by one. growing up I was naturally thin, and when my body began going through changes I could never come to terms with the fact that my body wouldn't look the same as it did when I was in middle school, but the reality is- it shouldn't. I have always been active; I've participated in different spots, dance classes, and work out. but, I've never truly adjusted my food intake to accurately sustain my health while I was physically active, and I believe this is something many other people fall victim to as well. in society, the stigma around gaining weight has always been negative. talking about weight gain or body changes has always been a taboo subject for people to discuss, and the only time it is brought up is when someone is praised for losing weight. I have always struggled with body image and body dysmorphia, and I know many others do too. I know how extremely difficult at times it is to ever think about allowing your body to change or grow, but it truly needs to. I have begun to work out again, after a long time off. before, I would work out to compensate for the food I was eating, and it became an obsession. I never made progress and developed a terrible relationship with food and my body. as I have begun to be more active, I have increased my food intake. if I am being honest, doing that has been terrifying, for years, I have eaten the same thing and when I have strayed away from my routine eating, my mind freaks out. but, in order to make the changes in my body I want to see and gain more muscle and be able to do the workouts I want to do, I have to fuel my body more than I have been doing, and I have to accept the changes that will begin to happen. but, these changes are good, I am becoming healthier and stronger. I want to help others who may struggle with the same mindset I have been burdened with for years now. it is perfectly okay to gain weight and it is perfectly okay to eat more. your body is constantly changing and growing and in order to ensure your body has enough energy to sustain your needs everyday, you need to fuel it properly. I know how scary it can be accepting the changes that happen to your body, but everything will be okay. your body is the home for all your organs- your heart and brain- the components of yourself that make you, you. what is most important is that you are as healthy as you can be, and that means your body will change. you aren't supposed to look the same way forever. be happy with your body and all that it allows you to do and has supported you in, and reward yourself with the proper nutrition. we can get through this together. 

life update 

if I am being completely honest, a lot of the times I open my computer to write an entry on here and end up with extremely bad writers block that prohibits me from thinking of anything I believe is "worthy" enough to write about, but truthfully that is just the perfectionist tendencies in me, and it is important that I am transparent enough to you all to be able to be honest about that. although for the past two weeks I haven't been doing anything too exciting, I thought it could be nice to share a life update on things that have been going on and how I have been feeling recently. this semester in school I have chosen to do online, and although that has been extremely nice there have been points in time in which I have felt guilty for laying around all day or have felt unproductive because I haven't gotten up and left my house to go to school or really anywhere else at certain times. but, the truth is that you do not necessarily have to get up and do something everyday in order to be "productive", even though that is what our minds try to tell us is the case. during the days of online school, I have found myself doing things around the house, or applying for scholarships for college, or selling my clothes on Depop, or making food and baking; these small tasks I have accomplished in my home are just as equally productive as getting up and going to school or the gym or work. there is such importance in recognizing that even the small things we do each day count as accomplishments and we should be proud of ourselves for these things, not critique ourselves because they aren't "big" enough, comparatively speaking. this is a lesson I have learned over the course of the past couple of weeks, and It has helped to finally realize this. over the course of the past couple of weeks I have felt like I have tried to actively spend more time with my friends and family, which I believe is extremely important for mental health. spending time with those who you care about and enjoy spending time with, for me, has not always been the easiest. I have never been the most extroverted person and at times find myself laying in my room for hours on end. but, recently I have tried to be more social and I have really enjoyed it. in life, I think there needs to be a balance of spending time with others but also being okay to be by yourself, both of which can be hard for people for different reasons. if you struggle to reach out to others and ask to spend time with them know that it is okay. those people will not forget about you, and if they truly care they will understand the need for alone time or the struggle to put yourself out there at point in times. while we have been stuck inside from COVID and the snow storm, I challenge all of you all reading this to find a  new task or habit to incorporate to your day or lifestyle that makes you happy. try something new that can benefit your life positively. remember that it is important to continue to focus on your mental health and always stay in tune with how you are feeling. 

what exactly is food?

for a big portion of my lifetime I was extremely terrified of food, which in retrospect is a weird concept to think about. now that I am recovering, It is strange for me to think back on a time where I would be debilitated by fear when there was a plate of food sitting in front of me, but for some people this is a very real experience and feeling. during this time for myself, and I am sure for others as well, I didn't fully understand what food was. I know that may sound confusing, considering from the time of birth we are introduced to food and the need for it, but there is a lot of misunderstanding surrounding food. on the back of every food label there is a list of "nutritional facts" that include calories among many other things. growing up, I was under the impression that the larger amount of calories in food insinuated that the food was bad for you, and I honestly think majority of society is under this understanding as well. we commonly see different "diet" plans that include cutting back on calories, or hear of people eating low calorie foods to lose weight, or may even hear someone say something such as "wow I've eaten so many calories today, I don't need that", and this can be extremely damaging on people's relationship with food. a calorie is nothing but a unit of energy a food contains. the higher the calories in a food, the more energy they give you for a longer amount of time, which is a GOOD thing. calories come from multiple different factors such as protein, carbs, fiber, etc that give your body what they need. we shouldn't be intimidated by the numbers on the back of a piece of plastic; food is food despite this factor. I am tired of society trying to stigmatize calories as a bad thing, and influence people to cut back on them in order to be "healthy". a healthy, functioning body needs a certain amount of calories to just function basically each day, and without achieving this, we are depriving our body of its basic needs. food is something our bodies NEED, it is our bodies only source of nutrients. we cannot achieve what our bodies are intended to do without eating a proper amount of nutrients. without a proper understanding of the benefits of food, it is easy to become scared listening to what the media tries to say about "good" and "bad" food, but we should never avoid foods. eat what you want when you are feeling like it and give your body what it wants. you should not feel guilty for doing the right thin for yourself. 

a truth about ed recovery

I feel like one of the hardest parts about recovering from an eating disorder is one that is not commonly talked about and a lot of times overlooked or downplayed. this aspect of recovering from an ed is the reintroduction of eating intuitively/eating how you want to/ eating without a meal plan. it is common in eating disorder treatment that you are given a meal plan constructed by your dietician that tells you exactly how much/how many times a day/how many food groups or items you should be having each and every day; every meal is planned out to a T and a lot of the time is told to be prepared by a parent or someone other than the person going through recovery. for me, I followed along with my meal plan throughout my six months in treatment, as well as 3 years following my release back home (for each person it could be less or more time than what I just mentioned, it is relative to each person). in treatment, we were never necessarily taught how to eat after we were taken off our meal plans. I know that may sound ridiculous, to be "taught" how to eat considering that is a natural thing that happens, but it doesn't come so easily or naturally to someone who has been on a regimen of eating for a numerous amount of time. in my treatment facility, and this is common for majority eating disorder recovery tactics, we were told we had to finish all of the food that had been set in front of us. this same rule followed over into my meal plan as I went home and for the years the followed. after I was taken off my meal plan I struggled a lot with the inability to only eat half or some of the food that was set infront of me. no matter how much food was given to me or how full I may have been, I finished everything, because that was the only reality I know previous to this time. there were even times where I would eat a whole dinner and then go to someone's house and eat a second dinner, not because I was hungry but because they offered and I didn't know how to control my food intake in a healthy way. along with this behavior I also didn't know how to plate my own food, what portion sizes were normal, or how to intuitively eat; I continued to eat at certain times and wouldn't allow myself to stray away from the strict schedule. this period of transitioning from being confined to a meal plan to being able to make my own choices when it came to food was one where I, and many others, struggled heavily. I believe that there needs to be more representation of people intuitively eating and examples for those who may not know how to do so. eating is extremely difficult for people at times, and being given the freedom whenever it comes to food, especially after not having it for so long, is a challenge. I want to make people aware of this, because I do not believe that people know exactly how eating disorder recovery is managed and I hope that soon there is more guidance on how to navigate recovery in the years past impatient treatment, as well as education for anyone who may have a hard relationship with food. our bodies give us signals and clues to when we are hungry, and we should listen to those. we shouldn't limit ourselves to certain times or food groups, we should give our bodies what they truly need. eat because you want to and enjoy it; eat the things you enjoy at anytime you like and do not punish yourself for doing so. in ten years you will not regret the piece of cake you ate or the slice of pizza, you will only remember the good memories and the good time that came along with that delicious food. if you are struggling with reintroducing food or your freedom regarding food, do not be afraid. do what feels right for your body. do not let the mental block stop you from listening to what you need.

things I am struggling with

I haven't posted an entry on here recently and that is because honestly haven't known what to write about nor have I felt very inspired to write anything. today I had an idea to share things that I have been struggling with recently to maybe help others not feel so alone in what they could be struggling with. lately I have felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety. things that don't usually make me feel anxious have been making me feel as if I can't breathe because of how overcook with anxiety I am by them. when I have felt anxious I then tend to fall into a self deprecating cycle thinking that those around me are burdened by my anxiety or that when I feel anxious in a social setting that my anxiety is ruining the time that those around me are having. recently I haven't been the greatest to those who I care about. I haven't checked in with the people in my life and I havent reached out to those around me. I haven't gone out with my friends very much recently and have even lashed out on the people I love. I have beaten up myself a lot about that recently but haven't done anything to fix it which weighs very heavily on my conscious. I haven't had much motivation to do certain things such as work out, answer texts, answer emails, or go out. I have felt extremely selfish recently and unhelpful regarding the people in my life. I have found myself zoning out a lot and thinking about the fear of the future, things that make me anxious, or even things that make me sad. I have also been extremely forgetful lately which has made me feel guilty that people may think I don't care to listen to them.
sharing all of this with you all reading took a lot of vulnerability. I hope that someone reading this may feel as if they can relate or find comfort in the fact that we are both struggling with these things. it is okay to not be okay and I want everyone who is reading this to know that we can get through these things. everyday is a new day where we can work through these things that have been affecting us. each person works through things at their own pace and there is no set way to do so. lean on those around you and do what is best for yourself; it is okay to take time for yourself to get back on your feet. you've got this. 

suicide awareness month 

the month of September is a month that resonates deeply and heavily with me. for those of you who may not know, September is suicide awareness month. a few years ago I honestly didn't see myself still standing here today, able to write to you all on the awareness of suicide. I have struggled with depression since elementary school, and from time to time I still struggle now. there have been numerous times throughout my life where I did not think living was worthwhile. I wanted to write this blog entry today to share my experiences when it comes to depression and suicidal thoughts to not only spread awareness but hopefully make someone out there who is struggling with the same things feel less alone and comforted. as I grew up from a cheerful young kid into a teenager, my world grew darker. I forever felt like I had no purpose and that I had nothing to live for; I can't pinpoint why this feeling occurred either and I never felt like I was 'allowed' to feel this way considering my upbringing and circumstances. I lived in a nice home, with a nice family, and ample oppurtuinities. I had friends and loved school and loved my extra curricular activities, yet I always felt a sense of hopelessness that no one other than me knew about. the truth about depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and all other mental illnesses is that they aren't subjected to one spceficic group or demographic; anybody can feel this certain way and anybody can be immensely struggling without you knowing. 
throughout my late elementary school and middle school years I fell deeper and deeper into my depression and developed severe suicidal thoughts. you would have never guessed by being around me because I hurried them deeply so well, a common thing people struggling with mental illnesses do. each and everyday I woke up with absolutely no motivation or purpose to move forward and I contemplated ending my life numerous times. I know how dark of a place your mind can take you and truly empathize with people who may be having these thoughts currently. 
during my 8th grade year these thoughts became unbearable. I began harming myself and was scared of my own actions. I sought out help in the form of therapy and psychiatry as well as talking to those around me about what was going on. coming forward with my struggles and being vulnerable was terrifying, but I am forever thankful I did so. being honest and seeking the help that I needed truly saved my life. although I stilll have days where I struggle, they aren't nearly as unbearable as they have been in the past and now I am truly able to find joy in my life and a purpose within myself. 
the conversation about suicide and depression should not be a taboo thing. I am not ashamed of what I have gone through and I hope that those reading this and can relate feel the same way. struggles only make people stronger and discover more within themselves. if you, yourself are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts please reach out to someone in your life. I know you may not feel like it but your life truly matters and although this feels as if it'll last forever, it won't. I felt like I could never possibly move past the inhabilitating pain that I was suffering with, but with time I did so. 
here are some references that you can use to talk to someone who may not be a personal member of your life(which can be more comfortable at times):
suicide prevention lifeline- 800-273-8255
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386
finding mental health care:
SAMHSA mental health provider locator 
American psychiatric association
American Psychological Association 
you all are worthy and strong :)

world mental health day 2021

October 10th is world mental health day, a day that is more important that I am able to put into words. for me, mental health and the discussion regarding mental health has accumulated a majority of my life, but I know this isn't typical. it is extremely important to have days such as world mental health day to break the silence and stigma surrounding the discussion of mental illnesses in society. 
for those of you who may not know, for over 9 years now I have struggled with severe anxiety disorder, depression, anorexia nervosa, and OCD. for a long time I felt insignificant and as if I was less than the next person because I dealt with so many issues. 
I want you to know that if you are struggling with mental illness you too can get help like I did, help that can change your life forever and that can help transform you into a person you may never have believed you could be. I know that before I devoted myself to healing mentally I truly never believed I would feel the way I do today, but it is possible. 
since elementary school I have struggled with mental illness that spiked thoughts and behaviors that were uncontrollable and incited a chemical imbalance in my brain that seemed to overtake my thoughts, emotions, and actions. at the age of 14 I was hospitalized for months where I was taught about these behaviors and mental illnesses. I was taught coping mechanisms that were positive and it helped me understand why my brain works the way that it does and why it has the capacity to generate these thoughts or breakdown at times. its been a little over a year and a half since I had my last suicidal thought or followed through with behaviors brought about by my eating disorder, and still to this day I have thoughts that I actively have to work at to diminish, but I am so far from the dark place that I was in a few years go: a place that I never thought that I could escape.
during the height of my mental illnesses I felt extremely out of control. every day was a guessing game as to how I would feel or act and I was exhausted by it all. my life was slipping away from me at the hands of these mental illnesses and thankfully I did not let them fully take my life away from me. with hard work in these programs, the hospital, and an amazing support system around me that understand that mental health is equally important as physical health, I was able to heal, get better, and regain my life with the guidance of doctors, therapists, and psychiatrists who have helped me deal with the intrusive thoughts and debilitating anxiety. 
looking at the past years, it is pretty unbelievable that I am here writing this today. I am still in therapy and recently have started medication for my anxiety (something I was terrified of doing for a long while), and I have truly never felt better. although yes, I do have my extremely low days, they aren't nearly as uneatable or hopeless as they were before. 
take it from me, battling a mental illness is one of the hardest and most exhausting battles you may ever fight, but it is truly one of the most worth while ones. to say that I am thankful to be here today would be an understatement. if you are struggling, or hurting yourself, there is a way to get better and find peace, trust me, I wouldn't have believed that either, but I promise it gets better.
please take care of yourself, you only have one body and one mind. if you can't do it for yourself, find someone in your life you can do it for, because I promise you there is someone who loves and cares for you and truly wants you to get better.
I can't reiterate it enough- mental health IS equally as important as physical health. take time for yourself and what your mind needs. there is no reason to be ashamed of what you may be going through. and I promise, things will get better.
reach out to me, someone around you, a trusted friend or family member, a help hotline, a medical professional, or even write how you are feeling on a piece of paper. you got this.

the long term effects of an eating disorder 

recently I haven't been feeling very well, I mainly think its from being stressed and burnt out from college and having a log of big changes in my life, but it got me thinking about all the different aspects of my life that affect my mental health as well as my physical health, which led me to reflect on the aspects of my well being that have been permanently affected by struggling with an eating disorder. I believe it is a common misconception that people have of recovery, that once a person who has struggled with an eating disorder has "recovered" that they no longer deal with the eating disorder or suffer from the consequences of ever having one, which isn't true in many aspects. eating disorders take drastic tolls on your body, many of them being long term. 
eating disorders affect memory- especially being able to remember much before your eating disorder began, but also short term memory is affected greatly as well; eating disorders leave lasting impacts on internal organs such as liver damage, kidney damage, stomach ulcers, brain damage, and infertility in women; eating disorders can cause people to have chronic migraines, as well as issues with retaining information or paying attention; eating disorders causes skin elasticity damage, brittle and dry skin, textured skin, and premature aging; eating disorders cause a weakened hear, damage to the heart's structure, and poor circulation; eating disorders can cause the development of seizures, damage to the structure of the brain, and extreme irritability; eating disorders can weaken bones and cause a decrease in bone mass density; eating disorders can cause gastrointestinal problems including the development of sensitivity or allergies to specific foods; eating disorders also cause thinned hair and hair loss throughout life 
all of this and many more long term affects are caused by suffering from an eating disorder, even years after being "recovered". its scary to think what damage is being done to your body and what this mental illness can cause, especially chronically. I struggle daily with many of these issues and I fear that I could discover that I struggle with more of them throughout my life. if you need a sign to seek help and recover from an eating disorder, please take this as one. putting your body through all of this suffering is not worth it and you are able to avoid these long term issues by seeking help as soon as possible. eating disorders and other mental illnesses are not something to take lightly, especially when they begin to threaten your life long health. 

the holiday season 

the span of these couple of months, that include the holiday season, are extremely difficult for many reasons. for me, thanksgiving and Christmas have always been a bit difficult- they are two holidays where you have to socialize with a lot of people (which has never been easy for me to do without experiencing anxiety) and they are two holidays were celebrations are typically centered around food, especially lots of fear foods for me and others. in the past year I have grown to like these holidays more as my relationship with my body and food has begun to heal, but that doesn't mean that this time doesn't bring up uncomfortable thoughts and emotions. only five years ago, around this time, was I deep into my eating disorder. I remember my family went to NYC that year, and what was supposed to be a fun family trip turned into a stressful and difficult one for my parents and i. the trip brought my problems with food to the table , and my parents became even more worried and aware that something was seriously wrong. not even a month later, I was admitted to veritas; that year my parents and I spent Christmas in the treatment center. this was a very emotional and vulnerable time in our lives, and it was not a very happy or fun experience. each year, under all the joy and happiness that these holidays bring, there is always a reminder of the time in my life where such bad experiences happened surrounding this time of year. 
I write this entry and share my thoughts to make awareness of the fact that just because the holiday season may be a time of complete joy for some people, others may have an extremely difficult time getting through them for any reason. it can be very difficult to completely let go of something that may have affected you and fully be happy and celebratory during these times, and I understand completely. luckily, I have many people in my life who make the holidays easier and make this time full of love and joy. I wish that all of those reading this can say the same, because each person deserves to feel happiness these days and every day. its okay to feel sadness, anger, confusion, frustration, anxiety, or whatever feeling these days may bring up for you. just remember, turn to people in your life if you need them. don't be ashamed for how you may be feeling- there is no "right" or "wrong"way to think or feel going into these specific days. I promise that those who love you want you to be happy and to be enjoying your time celebrating the holiday you celebrate; find a person you can trust and feel comfortable with and communicate you thoughts and emotions during these times. 
if it is food that you are struggling with, I know how extremely difficult these times are. please remember that food=fuel. no food is "bad" for you. everything that you eat is broken down and metabolized in the same way for your body to use as energy. you deserve to treat yourself with all the delicious meals and desserts that you may be offered (I mean these holidays do only come around once a year). if may not struggle with food, please be conscientious about the things you say around the table or when talking to others while eating or celebrating. conversations about diets, or "eating too much", or "feeling guilty' for indulging may be extremely hard to hear for some people you are around. 
I hope that everyone has a joyous holiday season. you can get through whatever it may be that you are dealing with. treat your body and mind with love and kindness, you deserve it.

august 1, 2022

hi guys. I haven't not written an entry in so long. its been difficult for me to find a topic to do so because this past semester was terribly rough on my mental health. I felt I wasn't in the right mindset to help myself, so therefore I was not in a headspace to be writing entries on here. 
I learned so much I did not know about myself this past semester. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder earlier this year. I was absolutely devastated. those words sounded incredibly terrifying. I felt so embarrassed of this diagnosis and did not want to tell anyone this was going on. while in school, I attended. day time outpatient program where I would go to do groups, therapy, and med checks everyday for 3 months. when this was all going on I felt absolutely hopeless. I felt as if my life was completely out of my control. during my manic episodes I did unforgivable things ad believed that I could never be forgiven. I am talking about this because I can guess it may be feelings other people out there have. 
since getting out of the treatment program. I have been doing well. my mood is under control and I have felt overall happier. I have had to make many changes in my everyday life that at first I was not happy about whatsoever. I promise that if you are feeling the sense that nobody understands you and that everything is hopeless, remember that is completely normal. its going to be okay. I absolutely promise you. 
I have now been out of treatment and been on steady meds for about 4 months. I can say it truly helped me so much, even though I was so mortified that I had to go. I felt as if I was disappointing myself or those around me and myself- that I was letting them down for being 'weak'. I want to be vulnerable about why I have been MIA for so long, and as had as it is to talk about that, it is extremely important. things will get better, I believe in you lots  

moving at your own pace ; comparisons

I am completely lacking with posting on here, and quite honestly I have been dealing with so many rough patches and set backs of my own in the past 6 months that I haven't felt very compelled to sit down and write anything. some aspects of my life are still filled with uncertainty and sadness but I feel as if I am able to speak on something that I think is super important: the art of compassion, especially in college. for me, I have ALWAYS compared myself to other people- from the moment I can remember my first memory until this very day. no matter how hard I tried, I never felt fully good enough. there was always someone who was smarter, prettier, thinner, more talented, kinder, more popular, etc. no matter how well I did at something I could always find someone who did it better. this mentality has completely exhausted me, and im sure others can relate. I feel college is a time in people's lives where this mentality and these circumstances are even more prevalent, especially with social media. I find myself throughout the week comparing myself to all the people in my class; I compare my knowledge to them, my talents to them, my clothes to them, my appearance to them. then, I find myself comparing my life to everyone else's on the weekends. if I am not out and about, hanging out with friends, I feel absolutely worthless. I am constantly refreshing social media trying to live vicariously through the people who are out with their friends, and as pathetic as that sounds I am ashamed to admit that it is true. my point being, that I can truly compare myself to others in literally every aspect of my life, and I feel as if at this age it is even more of a common feeling shared through majority of people, which is completely normal. this year I changed my major and I feel as if I completely behind every single person. I feel like I know absolutely nothing about my major and that I am already failing, 6 weeks into the first semester.... anyway, I have been comparing myself to those in my major a lot and feeling very much less than because of this. 
for me, I studied neuroscience because 1) I thought it was interesting and 2) I thought that being able to say that was my major earned me respect and dignity, which in all honesty it sadly did. society today makes us feel like we HAVE to follow one singular path in order to be successful. I have felt so deeply insecure telling people I changed my major, even though I know it will make me so much happier, and already has, studying fashion instead. but, I am so afraid of what other's thoughts and opinions might be. luckily, I have been talking with my parents, friends, professors, and even my therapist about this, and they have helped tremendously. but I wanted to share the advice that I was given to those who also may be feeling this similar way. first, it helps me to know that every single person has felt similarly to how me, and possible you, are feeling as well. no matter how curated their social media may be or how put together they come across, I promise that every person has felt as if they could be better in some aspect. also, you have to remind yourself that everyone is going at their same pace, although for me this is the hardest one to believe but it is true. everybody moves through life at their own pace and on their own path. one thing that works for one person may not work for another, but that doesn't mean that one is right or wrong. right now is the time in our lives where we have time and freedom to do what we love and chose the options that better ourselves and I have been trying to do so. I hope you do too. 
for anyone who may need it, please reach out to me. college (especially) is such a difficult time and it is so easy to get caught up in the culture and feel alone, so know I am here. AND that even if it may not seem like it, you are surrounded by so much love and can always reach out to someone in your life, even if it doesn't feel like it.